Sometimes I wish I were a cat

Sometimes I wish I were a cat. A cat wanders where it pleases; sleeps as long as it chooses; never has to go to work; and always has food at its’ disposal. What a life! Yes, my friends, I sometimes wish I were a cat.
     Today I’m so happy I’m not a cat, I even feel sort of sorry for these little furry felines. Certainly, any day in which the temperature rises above 90ºF is when most level- headed people choose not to wear a sweater or thick outer covering—it’s too damn hot to worry about fashion statements. A cat is born wearing a suit of hair; true, it sheds, but, here’s the rub, it thickens with age.Understand why one never sees a cat run after one of those stupid pet toys during a heat wave? C’mon, be honest, with the exception of professional athletes who can buy and sell small countries, would you run around in 90º+ heat? I think not.
     Whenever you do see a cat during the next heat wave, please remember what I said, smile, and say: “Sometimes we wish we are you, little fella, just not today.”

ALERT: We have been alerted that some of the post below by Corduroy may be offensive to people who find graphic details about cleaning up from cats disgusting. If so, we advise you to please skip this part of the post.

Response from Corduroy (as told to Billie, the Pillow Lady)

Those rotten humans never let me out the door. They leave my smelly crap all around the place. They leave our pee stains everywhere and wonder why we go back to pee in the same places. Nothing but dry food, water, and scraps that they don’t feel like eating. Lights on all night long. Then it’s “get outta here you fecking cat,” just because I want to lie on the corduroy. No fair. She says “Corduroy,” and then I come over and she’s all smooshed under that darn pillow. No fair, that’s MY name! What’s that PILLOW got to do with it?

     Gotta climb on top of the doors to see anything around here. These humans clutter up everywhere I need to walk and then get pissed off when I knock some things down to be able to walk on the surfaces of things.

     Every night we climb on top of the Hairy Man, and then the Pillow Lady starts laughing so loud I have to get off the Man in order to get her to shut up.

     Yeah, we know that Man and Lady love us but why do they keep trying to make us get together with each other? Don’t they realize that we were already scratching each other in the womb for more room? We had to share the damn space with our brother, Tripod! Our mama didn’t care at all about us. All she wanted to do was chew people’s feet up. Ugh. 

    Lady has this big thing on her leg. Won’t let us near the damn thing. And now SHE has two human boxes to crap in—G-d those things really stink. The worst smell is human crap. Lady used to flush it, but no more! She’s disgusting now. She’s worse than my sister, doing all that crapping around. And the pee is pretty bad too. Sometimes, we wish we were humans so we could fix the place up with lots of places to climb around and cleaner catboxes. And no human boxes, for heaven’s sake.

     Oh I love Lady and my sister loves Man. “I’m a cat and it’s wonderful, but sometimes, yes, sometimes, I wish I were a human.”