Don't laugh, I could have been arrested for this

      Before you start assuming I was once involved in a failed bank robbery or that I almost pushed an old lady under a bus or anything like that, let me get something straight with all of you.  I was never in any shape or form a hardened criminal. Not in the least.  So, please get those thoughts out of your minds right now. And do me a big favor if you have any small kids that are with you reading this; turn them away from your computer screen.  I don't want them to get the wrong impression of me.

     Good

     Thank you. Now let me continue. . .

     Many years ago when I was very young and foolish I (like so millions of other kids my age), dabbled quite harmlessly into a bad habit of not smoking cigarettes.  I smoked something else.  Now I can imagine your eyebrows are starting to raise in disapproval about now and if I was you my eyebrows would be up there too.  Please remember I said I was young and foolish.  But no matter, what’s done is done and although I wish I could undo it I can't.

     However this story is a bit more complicated than what I already told you.  Allow me to explain the rest.

     Earlier that week I had returned from a ten-day vacation on the islands of Tahiti and Bora Bora.  Imagine that, my very first flying experience landed me smack in the middle of the most beautiful islands on the globe.  Made from volcanoes, Tahiti and Bora Bora were flush with distinctive tropical foliage and peppered with hibiscus flowers colored sunburst yellow and others a sultry hot pink.  Tall prominent palm trees shaded the land from the blazing rays of the sun as the surrounding pearl-colored beach was cooled by a gentle lapping of the Pacific waves.  An incessant beating of the overhead sun warmed the freezing ocean to body temperature.  So it was not uncommon to stroll the beach and walk through the water without feeling any difference at all.  All in all this land truly felt like an isle of paradise.  Everything seemed perfect--or so I had thought.

     A slight crimp in my plans arose when I discovered that the island natives who worked at the small airport on Tahiti had unknowingly forgot to remove my luggage from my plane.  What made matters even worse was that the luggage contained my anti-convulsant medicine and it was already in flight to San Francisco.  An entire week passed without my medicine and I never had any the expected negative effects.  Absurdly I toyed with the thought I was cured of epilepsy.  And purposely avoided any medicine when I returned home to New York.

     However, this foolishness finally came back to haunt me.  I should have known it would only be a matter of time.  One night my body violently ravaged itself in powerful and unnerving convulsions   The worst part that I can remember of that night was the look of fright in my brother’s eyes.
 
     He felt helpless but dialed 911 and waited for a calm reassuring voice and shouted, "Someone get over here, fast.  My brother is having a gran mal siezure."

     Several minutes earlier two happy-go-lucky plain clothes cops were driving down 121st street in Queens.  They had a good reason to be so happy.  Today they had tied their record for the amount of drug busts in one day.

     The taller one scratched his blond hair as he turned to his partner and exalted, "Six good busts. Six good busts and the day isn't half over.  I tell ya', I think we'll hit number seven today."

     His dark haired partner  smiled and advised, "Easy, partner. . . Don't get too cocky."

     "Do you think we'll get a plaque when we make 7?" the other one mused.

     "9-0-2- Mary" crackled the police radio "9-0-2-Mary on 1-1-4-4-4, 1-2-1- Street"
     His partner piped up with "that's a medical emergency"
     The blond-haired cop pointed to a house with a flagpole and fir tree out front and barked, "Over there!!!"
      The red two-door Ford Gran Torino skidded to a stop right in front of our house and the two happy-go-lucky plain clothes cops jumped out.
 
     "What's up?"  Starsky and Hutch asked my brother who was standing at our front door.

     Jack looked perplexed yet pointed to the staircase inside and directed,  "He's up there.  Top of the stairs and turn left, second room."

     The two undercover officers pounced up the green carpeted stairs at 114-44. When Hutch reached the second step at the top of the stairs he heard a squeak, paused then pulled out his revolver and warned,"Shhhhush . . . I have a bad feeling.  Someone is up here."  Starsky smacked his partner in the back of his head and garbled, "Of course there is, dumbo.  Now put that gun away."

     It was clear his partner could nor stop dwelling upon breaking his drug bust record but holstered his weapon nonetheless.  Together they entered the middle room and saw me, half-conscious and slowly recovering from the intensity of a gran mal epileptic seizure.  I was completely covered in my own perspiration and all the bedclothes were in a heap on the floor.  Hutch turned to Jack at the doorway and asked, "What's the deal, here?"

     After Jack explained the situation in detail he implored, "Please do your best."

     Starsky asked Jack, "Doesn't your brother take some sort of medicine for this?"

     Jack remarked angrily, "Heck no, he takes medicine to prevent that."

     "Right. . .right. . .I meant that." Starsky continued, "Where does he keep it?"

     "Top drawer of his dresser, I guess." Jack said.

     Upon hearing the word dresser, I bolted upright in my bed.  Then began waving my arms in desperation to get my brother’s attention.  While Hutch slowly headed to the dresser, his partner said, "Oh no, another seizure.  Quick anyone find that medicine . . ."

     I continued to point and wave my arms wildly as Hutch got closer to my dresser

     Starsksy studied my hand gestures and saw me point to my ear and make little circles.

     The cop shouted "Silly. . .ah, crazy. . .stupid, no, idiot"

     Jack faced Starsky and mumbled, “Dimwit”

     Starsky added, “fool, dunce. . .donkey”

     “Ass-hooole” Jack crooned

     "Dope?" said Hutch looking at the contents of the top dresser drawer.

     "Tsk. . .tsk. . .tsk. Look-ey, look-ey, what do we have here.  If it isn't my record breaking seventh drug bust of the day." Hutch lauded.

     A light bulb flashed on inside of Jack's head and it turned on at just the right time.  "Not so fast guys, I have to interrupt," Jack said.  "You guys can't do anything, you're only TV cops and your show was cancelled last fall."

     Hutch shrugged at Starsky and Starsky frowned at Hutch, and then faded away to the land of reruns.


     The morale to this tale is quite simple:  Remember to take your medicine, keep them with you on long flights, and always keep your drawers clean.